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Word length = 8,000+


THE SCHMOLDENESE FALCON


Description
    A humorous science fiction short story.

Excerpt

    The Chief of Police was a big man, at least 6 foot 11, and not just tall, he was huge, and I don’t mean fat. He had muscles everywhere—his chest, his arms, his legs; even his eyelids looked like little weight lifters. It made no sense that he became a cop. If the bad guys were shooting at him, they couldn’t miss. It was like shooting at the cliché-ish broad side of the barn.
    I peered up at him.
    We were in his office, and we were both sitting, but I still had to look up to see the scowl on his face. His second in command, Captain Dumble, or more commonly known to his friends as Captain Dum Dum, was sitting in a chair to the Chief’s left. And I was sitting in the front.
    The Chief motioned for me to start.
    So, I said, “I’m a private eye, and my name is Wally Pazooza.”
    The police Chief, the big whale that he was, glared down at me. “We know your profession.”
    “That’s right. But you told me to tell the whole story for your recording machine thingy.”
    He belted out a sarcastic laugh. “You don’t have to start with your birthday, and the labor your mother went through.” He thought he was comical—that’s cop humor for you. But sometimes you have to put up with it, especially when you’re up on murder charges—that’s right the big ‘M.’ and therefore, I wasn’t going to get into it with him. So, I grinned a little as though I thought it was funny.
    I sat back and said, “Alrighty then.” I started with something that was, perhaps not relevant to the case, but a fact which would be important later in the story. “My receptionist is as good-looking as Roger Rabbit’s girlfriend.” I paused, then said, “Yeah I’ll admit it—I saw the movie. Once in awhile I like to sneak away to Earth to watch one of their movies.” I let out a casual laugh. “Those Earthlings—they’re so funny. They think they’re the only ones in the entire Universe.”
    The Chief grunted, then said, “We’ve seen your receptionist. She’s sitting in the waiting room. And I would have to agree that she’s a good-looking dame.”
    Under my breath, I said, “You don’t miss a thing.”
    “What?”
    I said, “It’s good of you to notice.”
    “Fine. Continue with your story.”
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